We know that becoming a kinship carer rarely happens without a range of emotions coming into play – concern for the child’s wellbeing, your own feelings about how they have come into your care, and most of all a fierce, protective love for the child.
It’s understandable that it can be hard to know where to start when trying to explain to children what has happened, what it means for them, and their understanding of their family and their future.
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. Every family and every child is unique, however there are some things that might support you.
Below are some organisations that we’d recommend, as well as lots of advice from other kinship carers.
Family Lives – offer a range of support to families.
Read our guide on supporting young people with developmental trauma.
Advice from kinship carers
We asked our community of kinship carers across the country how they help their children to understand their family and talk about growing up in kinship care. Here is a summary of the responses we received;
Be open and honest (at an age appropriate level)

Answer questions calmly and simply

Keep it Blame Free

Say everything from a position of love

Keep records of what happened for them to look at as they get older

Get the family to help do a family history together (or a family tree)

Let the child lead in what they decide to call you and their parents.

Try a version of these four questions:
“She lives with us but her mother has kept the child’s siblings. This is a very difficult situation for anyone to understand or explain. The advice I was given was this – ask and answer four questions:
- Who was worried? – Name all the family, friends, social workers, school teachers, anyone who had concerns.
- What were they worried about? – Child being left unattended, child being under nourished, child might get hurt etc.
- What happened? – Social services took you to live with us. We went through an assessment, any contact arrangements that were put in place in the early days etc.
- What’s happening now? – You are living in your forever home with us, you go to school, you see mummy or daddy X times a year or you don’t see them at all now.
Those four questions were invaluable to us as they don’t directly point blame but the child/children will read more into them as they get older. It was so much easier than talking about a mother who neglected one of her children before abandoning her – easier for us as it took the emotion out of it. Easier for the child as it explains why their home/carer had to be changed without outright blaming a parent they love.”
Self-care
“Ensure you have access to therapy/counselling of your own so that you don’t explode around the children. Or a neutral person to vent to about the heartache and frustrations of kinship care so contact and special occasions aren’t discussed around the child – they pick up on our disappointment and sadness and anxiety in the lead up and aftermath too and on any conflicts during negotiating it all.”
Our Advice Service
Please remember you can contact our advice service here for more information.