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Managing emotional and mental health needs in kinship families
Find out how emotional and mental health issues might affect kinship children. Understand how to discuss them, as well as recognising the impact of trauma. Learn helpful tools to support a kinship child’s emotional and mental wellbeing, as well as the wider family’s.
This advice applies to: England and Wales
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Signs of emotional and mental health struggles in kinship children
Many children and young people struggle with their emotional or mental health at some point. However, these challenges might be more common in kinship children, as their circumstances could equal difficult experiences in early life.
These experiences can show up as:
- anxiety and panic attacks
- challenging behaviour (like physical threats, anger or aggression)
- difficulty communicating
- fear of being alone
- finding transitions tricky – regularly disruptive or upset when changing surroundings or activities (like getting dressed, or at bedtime)
- low mood, or mood swings
- meltdowns (due to being overwhelmed)
- refusing to go to school
- regressing to younger behaviours
- sleep issues
- struggling to go to the toilet, or going more often
- tantrums (due to not knowing how to manage big emotions)
- trouble socialising or making friends
You might find any combination of these hard to manage, or take them personally, but behaviour is just communication. Understanding how trauma has impacted your child is the first step to dealing positively with their emotional and mental health needs.
Mental health and special educational needs (SEN)
Neurodivergent children (for example, those with autism) are more likely to struggle with their mental health. This could be because they interact differently with the world, or might be due to misdiagnosis or barriers to support (Mind, 2024).
It’s estimated nearly half of kinship children have special educational needs (Kinship’s 2024 Forgotten report). Read our guide on supporting children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND).
About trauma and attachment
Children in kinship care have often experienced trauma, which can create attachment issues. Such issues arise after difficult experiences and can impact emotional processing, as well as general mental wellbeing.
Read more about supporting kinship children with trauma and attachment issues.
Supporting emotional and mental health at home
There often isn’t a simple, one-size-fits-all solution to managing emotional and mental health needs. The process might be ongoing, as you discover what works for you and your family.
You could consider these activities:
Your kinship child might worry about practical things when they first come to live with you, like bringing enough clothes and toys or keeping in touch with siblings. As time goes on, worries might evolve to things like changing schools or contacting birth parents.
The key point is to listen to (and validate) these worries and feelings. Let them know you’re a safe person, that they can always talk to.
Kinship children may need extra support to make sense of their experiences and feel part of the family. After a lot of disruption, their lives can feel confusing.
You might not know fully why your kinship child came to you. Or, you might not know things like when they first walked or talked. You might have sadness about missing pieces, but there are things you can do to feel more connected.
Kinship children can benefit from a new family story with you, that supports them and their identity. You can help create this by using tools or techniques like therapeutic parenting or life story work. See below for more information on these.
Telling a child why they’re in your care, and the detail you share, will depend on age and situation. Some children may not understand what’s happened, or why they can’t live with their family. Some families don’t feel able to share the full story. It may fall to you to find the best way to answer any questions.
Consider speaking with birth parents, if possible, about what you plan to share. Social workers might also advise what’s appropriate, depending on age and situation. The child’s school and teachers could be useful, too. Some children ask many questions – try to answer honestly and appropriately where you can.
Other children may not be asking questions but still be thinking and worrying about things. Either way, reassure them they can always talk to you. Explain in a way that that matches their understanding. Most importantly, reassure them it’s not their fault, and that they’re loved and cared for. You might have to repeat this often.
Looking at past photos and keepsakes, and taking or creating new ones together, can help you and your kinship child connect. Connection can help a child:
- feel part of a family
- navigate the outside world
- understand themselves
Tools like memory boxes, shelves and drawers can also help – find out more about using these techniques.
There’s a good chance you already know the child well before becoming their kinship carer, but this isn’t always the case.
Whatever the situation, talk with them as much as you can, and ask them what they need. Do your best to provide whatever that is, if you can. Tell them they can always ask questions and share how they feel.
Kinship children with traumatic experiences can feel distrusting. Responses a child develops before coming to you are often what’s helped them ‘survive’. It is possible for kinship carers to form secure attachments with a child in their care, helping them to feel safe and secure. However, this may take a lot of time and effort.
The responses that a child has developed over time have helped them to ‘survive’. A child who has experienced trauma can learn that the world and people can be trusted and safe. You can help them to learn this by being constant, consistent and reliable. Their previous experiences can support them too, by helping them to see that being cautious is also important.
You might be able to figure out how to manage emotional and mental health needs for the child you’re caring for by speaking to them or their previous carers. Learn more about what they like doing, and any day-to-day routines. You could start by asking about:
- activities they attend
- calming techniques that worked previously
- meals they like eating
- medication they take
- school friends and their contact information
If you’re unsure where to start, speak to the child or young person you’re caring for and ask what’s important to them.
Life story work is a way to sensitively talk through and process a child’s difficult experiences.
Dealing with a child’s big emotions and behaviours can be triggering for you, too. It’s important to recognise this and look after yourself. Read more about understanding and managing stress.
To learn tools to deal with the ups and downs of being a kinship carer, join one of our free workshops on dealing with emotional challenges as a kinship carer.
PACE is a way of thinking, feeling, communicating and behaving that can help children feel safe. Read more about PACE.
Example PACE situation
Peter has homework but doesn’t want to do it. He crawls under the table, draws on it and won’t sit still. He says he can’t do it and hates the work, school and you.
- Playfulness – “Wow! Look at that homework – it looks like a dog’s dinner! Do you feel OK, Peter? You seem quite upset. Let’s put our heads together and try to figure it out.”
- Acceptance – “It’s difficult when you don’t think you can do something, isn’t it. And it’s not nice to feel rubbish, but it’s OK to feel that way. I’m sorry you feel like you hate the work, and school.”
- Curiosity – “You usually enjoy doing homework – what’s changed? Is there something else making this tricky? I wonder if you’re tired today. Do you think that’s it?”
- Empathy – “You seem really upset and frustrated right now. I know how that feels, especially when you don’t want to do something. Why don’t I help you work through it?”
It can be hard to talk about past experiences, and you might worry about getting it wrong. But finding positive kinship care stories can help. Families feeling reflected in these stories, are in a good position to build a stronger family identity. Learn more about this in the “Create a family story” section above.
For example, kinship carers often find Paddington Bear (raised by his aunt) a great positive talking point for young kinship children.
Learn more about using stories to broach difficult topics with kinship children.
Consistency can help traumatised children feel safe and secure. It helps create certainty, allowing their brains to process positive behaviours from carers.
For example, consistency could mean (as far as possible) setting meal times. You could use visual timetables for this.
Introduce routine changes slowly, including children in decisions – although you’d have final say. Change can take time with kinship children.
This is a nurturing parenting approach, backed by research and evidence. It’s a way to respond (rather than react) to challenging behaviour. It teaches children how to communicate and behave.
Some ways to parent therapeutically:
- avoid punishments like time out, which could make children feel rejected
- avoid reward charts, which can set unrealistic expectations – instead, create situations where your kinship child is likely to succeed
- establish structure and routine
- treat mistakes as learning opportunities – talk about them openly
- use the PACE model, referenced above
Learn more about therapeutic parenting by reading some of the books and resources below.
Get local help
Finding extra support and information and talking with others can help your kinship family cope better with emotional and mental health difficulties. If these issues cause challenging behaviour (including harm to self or others), it’s important to seek professional help to keep everyone safe.
If anyone is at immediate risk of harm, phone 999 urgently.
For non-urgent help or support in your area, you could try some of these:
Adoption and special guardianship support fund
Some kinship carers can get financial support from the adoption and special guardianship support fund (ASGSF). This is for kinship families with previously looked-after children – so cared for under special guardianship or child arrangements orders.
Ask children’s services for an assessment, as they must apply for the fund on your behalf. The fund can help pay for essential therapeutic services, like:
- creative therapies
- family therapies
- life story work
- therapeutic short breaks
Find out more about the ASGSF, and kinship family eligibility.
NHS and CAMHS/CYPMHS support
The Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS) or Children and Young Persons Mental Health Service (CYPMHS) is an NHS service, working via local teams. They assess and treat mental health conditions for children and young people.
Children in kinship care can be referred to CAMHS or CYPMHS by people like their:
- carer
- GP
- social worker
- teacher
They can also refer children for specialist reasons, like getting a neurodevelopmental assessment – for example, autism. Find out more on the NHS’s child and young adult mental health services website.
If you think your kinship child needs specialist CAHMS or CYPMHS help, there’s specialist support too. Good places to start are by speaking to a social or family support worker, or staff member at your kinship child’s school.
Therapeutic local authority or school support
If you have a social or family support worker, speak to them about what your local authority can offer your kinship child. Local authorities must legally offer therapeutic support for special guardianship children, which they can detail in your support plan.
How they deliver support will vary, depending on local authority. For example, some schools have counselling services in-house, and you can usually find out about them by visiting the school’s website or asking the school directly.
If you’re unsure where to start, speak to your kinship child’s school. For previously looked-after children, speak to your local virtual school – you can find their details on our Kinship Compass.
Support
Support from Kinship
Here at Kinship, we offer a range of free support for all kinship carers. This includes:
To find services, information and support in your local area, including information about your local children’s services, use our Kinship Compass tool.
You can also contact the Kinship advice team for free, non-judgmental advice and information.
If you don’t know where to start with Kinship support, contact us.
Other support
To get further help with emotional or mental health, you could contact:
Parent Talk by Action for Children website
Online advice on a range of parenting topics such as feelings and behaviour, family life, school life. You can also chat online 1:1 with a parenting coach at specific times of the week.
Telephone: 0800 1111
Support and help for young people that is free, private and confidential. 1-2-1 counsellor chat also available.
Parent and carer resources to support children’s mental health and wellbeing.
Telephone: 0808 800 5000
Call 999 if you think someone is in immediate danger.
A helpline to report abuse if you’re worried about a child or young person.
Support and help for young people who are struggling with their mental health.
Youth groups in your area may offer support and advice. To find them:
- ask your child’s school
- check with your local authority
- search online or on social media
Resources
Books for kinship carers
- Draw on your emotions by Dr Margot Sunderland
- The Complete Guide to Therapeutic Parenting: A Helpful Guide to the Theory, Research and What it Means for Everyday Life by Jane Mitchell and Sarah Naish
- Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel J Siegel and Mary Hartzell
- The Whole Brain Child by Daniel J Siegel
Books for younger children
- Cub by Jonty Howley – a heartwarming story where Magnus goes to live with his grandparents
- Barbara Throws a Wobbler by Nadia Shireen – a funny story about having a grumpy day and managing your emotions
- The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman and Ros Asquith – a non-fiction book showcasing a diverse mix of families
- Is That Your Mama? by Patrice Lawrence and Diane Ewen – an empowering story with the message that you don’t have to explain your family to anyone
Books for older children
- Why Do I Feel Like This? by Shinsuke Yoshitake – a funny illustrated story about a girl working through her emotions
- A Tricky Kind of Magic by Nigel Baines – an action-packed graphic novel about loss and grief
- You Are a Champion by Marcus Rashford and Carl Anka – empowering non-fiction about being the best you can be
Card deck activities
- A Therapeutic Treasure Deck of Grounding, Soothing, Coping and Regulating Cards by Dr Karen Treisman
- The Trauma Treasure Deck: A Creative Tool for Assessments, Interventions, and Learning for Work with Adversity and Stress in Children and Adults by Dr Karen Treisman
- The Parenting Patchwork Treasure Deck: A Creative Tool for Assessments, Interventions, and Strengthening Relationships with Parents, Carers, and Children by Dr Karen Treisman
Read more about how stories can be used to discuss emotions and identity in our guide.
Related advice and information
This page explores how to recognise the signs and symptoms of trauma, as well as practical tips for supporting children in kinship care.
Tools and techniques to help the child you care for to learn how to self-soothe and regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
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