Coping with grief at Christmas

David, 63 from Lancaster, stepped up to care for his 2 grandchildren, now aged 7 and 4, when his daughter passed away 4 years ago. David shares how he navigates the festive period with his family while grieving loved ones.

To tell you the truth I really hate December. I lost my daughter in December 2020 and I also lost my mum in December a few years before that, so it’s just a very difficult time for me emotionally. I really struggle at Christmas without my daughter. My partner and I try to make it all festive and special for the kids but inside you’re hurting like hell. My daughter loved Christmas. Celebrating is very hard when the anniversary of her death comes up every year. My grandkids know that mummy loved Christmas.

It’s really a season of 2 halves. I have the personal turmoil that eats me up inside but then on the outside I don’t show that to the kids. It’s really the grandkids that help keep you going. We take them to see Santa and they get to open their advent calendar every day. They also have a special advent calendar that their mum made them which is filled with little gifts like little squishy balls, torches and practical things like that. Their mum started doing this when they were young and we keep doing it each year to keep up the tradition. She also played Elf on the Shelf where you move a toy elf to a different location every night, so we do that too now even though I think they’re quite horrible looking! I’ve even put eye shadow on them, stuffed them in coke bottles and got them to hang from the ceiling. We also have two Christmas trees. One is for my daughter where the kids hang decorations for their mummy. The kids love it.

December is extremely hard because one minute you’re at the crematorium dropping off a card and flowers and the next minute you’re Christmas shopping or wrapping presents. Seeing the kids so excited can also be hard because I feel guilty that I’m experiencing these things that my daughter should have been able to experience. At Christmas I’m constantly reminded about the people who are not here.

However, I always want to make sure Christmas Day is enjoyable for the kids. We play boardgames because my daughter loved them. We have a very traditional 1960s style Christmas. We also see my son on Boxing Day. My daughter liked to stay home for Christmas and make memories so that’s what I do now with the grandkids. During this period I really have to step outside of myself and think that it’s not about me. I don’t want my grandchildren to have awful memories at Christmas because my daughter would never have done that. I have to step outside my comfort zone and push myself to decompartmentalise. Christmas is my daughter’s legacy and I need to keep her memory alive.

Whenever my grandkids ask me about their mum like: “What was mummy like as a little girl?” or “What did mummy do at Christmas as a little girl?” I always answer honestly and age appropriately. Sometimes I share my emotions with the kids because it’s important they see that because it will help them emotionally as they grow up. We should be honest and open.

This year my grandkids are really looking forward to playing Monopoly for the first time. We’ve been waiting until they were old enough to play the Carlisle edition of Monopoly that I gave to their mum. This year they’re finally old enough to play it. I’m definitely not going to win! But we’re going to make lovely memories together.