Anxiety is a normal human emotion. But having too much anxiety can cause issues. Here are some practical tips to spot, manage and get support with anxiety.
Self-soothing and regulation
Tools and techniques to help the child you care for to learn how to self-soothe and regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
This advice applies to: England and Wales
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What is self-soothing?
Self-soothing is behaviour that we use to regulate our emotions by ourselves. It’s how we bring ourselves back to a sense of calm if we’re feeling distressed or upset. We use aspects of the 5 senses to self-soothe. These could include:
Touch: holding something warm, like a cup of tea
Smell: smelling the aromas from the tea
Taste: drinking the tea
Sight: looking out into the garden
Hearing: listening to some music while drinking the tea
Children learn to self-soothe or regulate their emotions best with the help and support of a caring adult. If they don’t have this support, they are likely to learn unhealthy ways of coping. It’s important that you explore your own ways of self-soothing and regulation so that your child sees that it’s ok to bring themselves back to a state of calm.
What is regulation?
Regulation is when you can control your emotions, so that you can respond to adverse experiences in a healthy way. It involves recognising emotions, understanding their impact, and using strategies or techniques to maintain balance and control. For children, learning regulation is important for emotional development and overall wellbeing.
The opposite of regulation is dysregulation. This is when you have difficulty controlling your emotions and you may respond to things in an unhealthy way. This might look like angry outbursts, a sense of being overwhelmed or impulsive behaviours.
What regulation fees like
When you have self-soothed and regulated you might feel calm, relaxed and in control. Calm and contentment can feel like a state of peace and tranquillity. This is when your mind is clear, your body is relaxed, and your breathing and heart rate feel steady. You might feel a sense of peace, focus, or patience.
For children, calm can feel like a moment when they are safe, secure, and able to enjoy the present without worry. However, it is important to recognise that for some, this state of calm might feel wrong or frightening. For example, they might be used to high levels of stress or activity. So, a sudden shift to calmness might be unsettling and may make them feel anxious. Understanding this can help you to provide the support they need and help ease them into a state of calm.
Some children find it difficult to be fully still. Their fidgeting and movement might be a way of self-soothing, as well as a sign of their need to always be alert to dangers. If this is the case, you can seek professional help through your GP or your child’s school.
Techniques for self-soothing and regulation
Because we are all unique, what works for one person, may not work for another. Explore the techniques below to see what works for you or the child you care for.
Breathing exercises can help reduce stress and promote calmness. The NHS has a range of breathing exercises that you can try.
For younger children, you could try making breathing exercises more playful and fun. For example, you can use breathing techniques to have a boat race by making an origami boat and blowing through straws to race your boats across a flat surface.
Mindfulness techniques are focused on noticing what’s happening in the now. Such as observing your surroundings, listening to what’s going on or noticing thoughts or feelings in your body.
BBC Children in Need have a mindfulness hub, packed full of activities, resources and videos that your child might enjoy.
Regular exercise helps release endorphins, also known as ‘happy hormones’. These can improve mood and reduce feelings of being dysregulated. Activities like walking, dancing, or playing a sport can help you feel regulated.
Finding something that you enjoy means you’re more likely to keep doing it. If the child you care for doesn’t do any physical activity, why not support them to try new things or try new things together?
If a child is finding it hard to express emotions with words, then drawing, painting, or writing can help. It can be therapeutic too.
Using sensory tools like stress balls, fidget spinners, or calming jars can help children self-soothe and regulate their emotions.
Create a dedicated space, in your own home, where children can go to relax and calm down. You can add items like cushions, blankets, soft toys and books.
A calm box, sometimes called a self-soothing box, is a personalised collection of items that help soothe and provide comfort during moments of dysregulation. You can put anything that helps in a calm box.
Try to think about how to engage different senses, which can help to reduce stress and regulate emotions. Remember to review what’s in the box regularly, as what your child likes (and dislikes) can change over time.
Here are some items you could include:
- favourite books or stories
- sensory toys such as stress balls, fidget spinners or squishy toys
- a paper boat to encourage breathing exercises
- items like a favourite stuffed animal, blanket or pillow
- art supplies like crayons, colouring books or drawing pads
- a playlist of calming music or nature sounds
- healthy snacks that are comforting
- activities like wordsearches, sudoku, knitting or collaging
- a chatterbox – this is a paper craft tool that you can use to have helpful conversations and encourage your child to open up about their feelings
The calm box can be anything from an old shoe box to a plastic container. Why not decorate the box with your child so they feel involved? Remember to store the box in a place that is easy to reach and encourage your child to use it at times when they are beginning to feel stressed, anxious, upset or frustrated.
It is important to have your own calm box and for children to see that you use it. This helps them to know that it is OK to feel what they feel and it’s OK to need to bring themselves back to a state of balance.
Recommended reading
If you’d like to understand more about how having a self-understanding impacts how you raise children, we recommend reading Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell.
Reading books with your child can help you to have open conversations about emotions and help them develop the language to talk about how they’re feeling. We recommend reading children’s book I’m upset I can, by Julien Bodrieu which is about coping strategies, self-control, emotional regulation activities and anger management.
Organisations that provide support and information
Reaching out for support, gaining information and talking with others are helpful ways of coping with dysregulation-related behaviour.
If a child’s dysregulation is leading to behaviour that is difficult to manage, including causing harm to self or others, it is important to seek professional support to help keep everyone safe.
If anyone is in immediate risk of harm, phone 999 for urgent help.
If adults or children have additional needs, such as a diagnosis of autism, specialist help is available. A GP, social worker or family support worker are good places to start in seeking further support.
Here are some organisations that provide free support and information.
Childline is a free service for children and young people to talk to a counsellor about anything. No problem is too big or too small. The service is available 24/7, 7 days a week. Call 116 111 or chat online.
YoungMinds is a national charity offering mental health support and advice for young people and parents. Their Parents Helpline is open Monday to Friday, 9:30am to 4pm. Call them on 0808 802 5544. Or you can chat to them online.
The Parent Talk website has a host of information on understanding your child’s emotions and behaviour, including anxiety.
Shout is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging service for anyone in the UK who needs support. If you are struggling to cope, talk to their trained Shout Volunteers. To start a conversation, text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258.
Related advice and information
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that everyone has. But sometimes anger can seem unkind, aggressive and even frightening. Here are some practical tips to spot, manage and get support with anger issues.
This page explores how to recognise the signs and symptoms of trauma, as well as practical tips for supporting children in kinship care.
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