This page explores how to recognise the signs and symptoms of trauma, as well as practical tips for supporting children in kinship care.
Help with managing your child’s anger
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion that everyone has. But sometimes anger can seem unkind, aggressive and even frightening. Here are some practical tips to spot, manage and get support with anger issues.
This advice applies to: England and Wales
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Everyone has things that make them annoyed, frustrated or angry. Those feelings are normal. What’s important is how we manage those feelings – especially anger.
One way to help children to understand and manage their own emotions is by practicing tips and skills to manage anger yourself. Then you can confidently guide the children you care for through the ups and downs of their emotions.
What is anger?
Anger is a normal, healthy emotion. Everyone experiences anger but we all express anger differently. When we hold on to anger, it can sometimes cause us to act in a way that may seem aggressive or even frightening.
Sometimes anger is used as way of self-protection, as it can make us feel in control and powerful. For children in particular, anger can be used to outwardly express feelings that may be hard for them to articulate – such as feeling sad, vulnerable or a sense of loss.
Spotting the signs of anger
Signs that anger is building up can often show itself in physical responses, such as an increased heart rate, tense muscles, headaches or tension in the stomach. It’s important to recognise when anger is building and to talk to someone about how you’re feeling. If it’s not addressed, it may build up over time and become overwhelming, resulting in behaviours that hurt others – or even ourselves.
As a kinship carer, when you start to feel anger rising, pause to think about what might be causing those feelings and what is happening when it appears.
Questions to ask, include:
- what is happening when anger appears?
- how does it change behaviour?
- how does the body feel when anger appears? Some people describe a temperature rise, feeling hot in the head, or tension building up from their tummy, chest and head
By learning to recognise those early signs – in the moment of experiencing them – we are more able to name the feeling and to manage the anger in a way that is helpful to ourselves and to the children we care for.
Common anger responses
Some common anger responses in children can present as:
- tantrums (a response to a child not getting what they want)
- meltdowns (an involuntary response to being overwhelmed)
- violence or aggression
When it’s happening:
- ensure that the child and everyone around them is safe
- focus on your relationship and meet any anger response with love, compassion and calm
After it’s happened, when everyone is calmer and settled:
- try talking to the child about their feelings
- ask them to reflect on what led to their behaviour
- get to know your child and what might trigger their tantrums (if they’re a younger child) or what might lead to violent outbursts. This is the first step in helping you both deal positively with anger in the longer term
Tips to help manage anger
Here are a few things that you can do to help identify and manage anger.
Pause and breathe
It’s helpful to take a pause when we start to feel angry. By pausing, we might notice what feelings or thoughts we had before the anger showed up. It can also give us time to get back to a state of calm and help prevent us from acting out in unhelpful ways. When we are calmer, it’s easier to see things from another person’s perspective.
Focusing on our breathing can help to not only calm us down but create some distance from the feelings of anger. It gives us time to ask, ‘what might they need from us right now’? And what do we need for ourselves that can help us manage the anger when it shows up?
Breathing exercises from the NHS
Try these breathing exercises for stress from the NHS website.
Visit websiteRelaxation exercises from Mind
Relaxation exercises to try by Mind, the mental health charity.
Visit websiteBreathing exercises for stress
Three breathing exercises to help relieve stress by the British Heart Foundation.
Visit websiteTry the iceberg activity
Even though children may be expressing anger through their words or actions, they are probably also feeling a range of other ‘quieter’ feelings. These feelings could include fear, worry, sadness or grief. Recognising these ‘quieter’ emotions will help you to understand the causes and feelings connected with the child’s anger.
Our iceberg activity is designed to help you, or the child you care for, identify and name – or draw – those quieter emotions.
Draw or print an image of an iceberg. At the tip of the iceberg, write the word ‘anger’. On the underwater part of the iceberg is where we write down the emotions that are quieter or ‘less seen’. So, whilst we may be expressing anger, what are the emotions we’re feeling beneath that anger? Naming these feelings can help to start a conversation with ourselves, or others – helping us to understand what’s beneath our feelings of anger.
Get support with anger management
There are books you can read to help you understand anger better. For adults, we recommend The whole brain child by Dan Siegal and Tina Bryson. It can help you to help children understand their big emotions.
Children can also benefit from reading books about emotions as it can help them to develop the language needed to talk about how they are feeling. The charity BookTrust has lots of recommendations for children’s books that deal with anger and temper tantrums.
To talk to someone about how anger is affecting a child or family member, below are some organisations that can help provide support.
YoungMinds is a national charity offering mental health support and advice for young people and parents. Their Parents Helpline is open Monday to Friday, 9:30am to 4pm. Call them on 0808 802 5544. Or you can chat to them online.
The Parent Talk website has a host of information on understanding your child’s emotions and behaviour, including anxiety.
Shout is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging service for anyone in the UK who needs support. If you are struggling to cope, talk to their trained Shout Volunteers. To start a conversation, text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258.
You may find it helpful to talk to someone like you. Our Someone like Me service will match you with another kinship carer, who is specially trained to offer emotional support. You can talk about any issues or difficulties you’re facing – and how you’re feeling. Our volunteers will listen, without judgement, offer understanding and provide emotional support.
Related advice and information
Anxiety is a normal human emotion. But having too much anxiety can cause issues. Here are some practical tips to spot, manage and get support with anxiety.
Stress is a common experience for kinship carers, who often face unique challenges in caring for children who have been through difficult experiences. Here is how to recognise the signs of stress and some practical tips for managing it effectively.
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