About drug and alcohol misuse and abuse

What is drug and alcohol misuse and abuse?

Alcohol and other drug misuse, sometimes also known as substance abuse, is when a person’s drinking or drug use becomes problematic, harmful, or dependent.

For example, they could:

• crave their substance of choice, even though using it’s causing them problems
• continue to drink or take drugs, even if it impacts their (physical or mental) health
• put themselves (or others) in danger due to drug or alcohol use

Discovering a loved one has a drug or alcohol problem can be shocking, scary and stressful. You may have found out suddenly or realised over time. Either way, it can be an anxious time.

Many people know little about drug or alcohol dependency, and hesitate to look for information. They might not want to associate with issues that can be misunderstood, scary or stigmatised. We’ve all seen drug and alcohol representations in the media, and they’re often judgmental or prejudiced.

It’s important you get the support you need. Families learning a bit more about these issues can:

• bring better understanding around a loved one’s experiences
• get back a sense of control over life
• help you find the best way to help – both them, and yourself
• Improve wellbeing
• reduce stress and the effects the situation is having

The impact drug and alcohol misuse and abuse can have on families

If one of your family members is struggling with alcohol or substance misuse, it can affect the rest of the family in a number of ways. For example:

Anxiety and stress

The whole situation might be unpredictable, which can cause stress and anxiety in various ways. These are both normal emotions everyone has, but a situation like this can make existing feelings worse.

If you experience excessive anxiety, it can also impact your behaviour and mental health. If you don’t feel you have anywhere to turn, anxiety and stress can build up over time to high levels that are very difficult to live with.

Financial difficulties

Your loved one’s relationship with drugs or alcohol could result in you (or the family) being a victim of crime – for example, via stealing property to sell for money to buy more drugs or alcohol. Some people run up substantial debts, putting the wider family at financial risk.

If your loved one’s abuse or misuse means they can’t work or be financially independent this can additionally strain finances. You (or other family members) might have to work more to make up the shortfall, or reduce/stop work entirely to cope with stress about the situation.

Feeling isolated

The stigma that people abusing or misusing drugs and alcohol face, combined with family stress to deal with the situation, can result in both the person and their families isolating themselves from:

• activities
• friends
• other family
• social or support networks

Everyone involved may be afraid to speak about their experience, or not know where to turn for support. There is help available, and you’re not alone.

Physical health problems

Ongoing stress, anxiety and feeling out of control for sustained periods can affect your physical health, for example causing frequent headaches. This can further contribute to stress and make the whole situation feel harder to manage.

Relationship problems

Issues with drugs and alcohol can put a huge strain on relationships, not just with the user themselves but across the wider family and social networks.

Everyone can struggle to find their own (or healthy) ways to cope – but there are support networks available, or you can speak to other kinship carers.

Stigma

Drug and alcohol misuse and abuse is highly stigmatised, not only for the person but also their children and families. People involved often feel they can’t share what’s happening, for fear others will judge or treat them differently.

Trauma

Drug and alcohol misusers and abusers can sometimes act in traumatic ways towards people around them – including family members.

This might be outwardly abusive, or could be something less obvious (but still difficult) like relationship dynamic changes. Dealing with trauma generally can be complex and challenging for adults and children.

See our guide to supporting children and young people with trauma.

What to do if your loved one is struggling with drugs or alcohol

Identifying your loved one is struggling with drugs or alcohol is a key moment. Sometimes this discovery is sudden, but often it becomes clear over time. However this happens, finally recognising a loved one’s drug or alcohol problem may be a major shock that could impact how you see your loved one, yourself, and the wider family.

It’s normal for anyone impacted to start in denial, perhaps refusing to see ‘a problem’. Or, to try and focus on problems elsewhere in life – for example with money, work, or relationships. From shock and denial, it’s then easy to move towards guilt and blame.

For example, others impacted (such as parents) often blame themselves for a loved one’s drug or alcohol problems. In a culture where such struggles are often misunderstood and stigmatised, people can seek simple answers with thoughts like:

• “It’s my fault…”
• “I could’ve been a better parent…”
• “I’ve let them down…”
• “I wasn’t there for them…”
• “We could’ve stepped in earlier/done things differently…”
• “What did we do to help this happen?”

Reframing the problem

At some stage, you’ll accept there is a problem, but that the substance itself is your loved one’s problem. Your problem is dealing with the impact on your loved one, yourself and your family. By accepting the situation, you don’t resign yourself to it. You just see what’s there, while looking for the next stages in the journey. However you feel is OK – and there is help available.

Acceptance can also mean recognising a journey ahead that’s long and difficult, which can feel daunting. You’ll need (and often do find) real inner strength. This is even more the case if you care for other family members, too.

Remember in these difficult early stages, complex feelings are perfectly normal, and part of a moving journey. Dealing with the effects of a drug or alcohol problem can be incredibly difficult – so it’s important to get the help you need.

Helping a loved one who is misusing drugs or alcohol

Family members are often desperate to help loved ones stop drinking or using drugs. Ultimately, recovery is up to them. You can’t decide for them, even though that can be difficult to accept. However, there are steps you can consider to help the situation, and get your loved one help if they decide they’d like to recover.

Be positive, where possible

This is probably the hardest item on the list – especially after a string of disappointments or broken promises. But communicating to your loved one that you believe in them and are there to support when they want to seek help, can make a massive difference.

Recognising successes, however small (a reduction in using drugs/alcohol, or a thoughtful, spontaneous gesture for example) can be important when motivating them to change.

Get support for yourself

It may sound counter-intuitive, and you may have never considered it, but a healthy, supported family is in a much stronger position to influence their loved one to seek help.

Learn about their chosen substance(s)

Those who use drugs and alcohol sometimes exploit others fears and lack of knowledge. The more informed you are, the less they will be able to play on these worries, or try to manipulate you.

Maintain clear boundaries

One way to support yours (and your family’s) needs in this situation is to set boundaries. This means limiting the behaviour of the loved one misusing or abusing drugs or alcohol, to what you consider reasonable.

Boundaries assert you (or your family’s) needs or rights, so you feel more secure and respected while inviting your loved one to have more responsibility for their behaviour. This can help reduce the situation’s impact on all your lives.

To do this:

• work out your boundaries
• communicate them to your loved one
• stick to them

Research treatment services in your area

Free drug and alcohol treatment services can help can people to reduce or stop drug or alcohol misuse or abuse, and its impact on their life and health.

Your loved one may not want to get help yet, but having information to hand about what’s available is useful. This can help you understand the different available options and what they involve when the time comes.

If a child is at risk

Most parents with drug or alcohol issues are just like everyone else, and want the best for their child/ren. But, sometimes drug or alcohol misuse or abuse gets in the way of their parenting – meaning the child/ren don’t get the love and support they deserve.

If you’re worried that a child you know is being neglected, is at risk of harm, or you want to find out more about child safety generally, we have published child safety guidance and information.

Get support

Below are some organisations that provide support to people struggling with drug and alcohol misuse or abuse, as well as their families.

Support from Kinship

Here at Kinship, we offer a range of free support for all kinship carers, including  workshops, online advice and information, and support groups.

To find services, information and support in your local area, including information about your local children’s services, use our Kinship Compass tool.

You can also contact the Kinship advice team for free, non-judgmental advice and information if you live in England or Wales.