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About challenging behaviour in kinship families
Learn more about how to understand and manage challenging behaviour in kinship children you care for.
This advice applies to: England and Wales
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What might challenging behaviour look like?
All children display challenging behaviour at times – it’s a normal part of growth and development.
Children in kinship care have often experienced adversity, loss, separation or trauma. They may also have special educational needs or disabilities (SEND). Our research found that 47% of kinship children have a SEND.
As a result, they can be at higher risk of displaying challenging behaviour, which might look like:
- arguing
- challenging requests or responsibilities
- defiance
- destroying belongings or property
- disassociation
- dysregulation (unable to control actions, emotions or responses)
- hitting
- inappropriate language
- insults
- lack of conscience or empathy
- lashing out
- lying
- name-calling
- pushing
- self-harm (actual, or threats of)
- stealing
- threats
- verbal aggression
- withdrawal
The impact on kinship carers, and the wider family
Caring for children can be hard, but when behaviour is challenging it can cause extra undue stress and distress for kinship carers and the wider family. Children’s challenging behaviour can impact you in several ways:
Causing family disagreements and relationship challenges
Kinship carers might experience:
- arguments about the kinship care arrangement
- different opinions around how to manage challenging behaviour
Feelings of isolation and shame
Kinship carers might feel that they’re:
- afraid of judgement, so don’t share what’s going on
- blamed
- not believed
Financially
Kinship carers might have to:
- be on call to monitor behaviour, making it difficult to work
- manage costs around damage to belongings or property
Negative impact on your mental health
Kinship carers might:
- feel highly stressed or anxious
- have low mood
Negative impact on your physical health
Kinship carers may experience:
- physical injuries
- stress-related conditions
Kinship carers can experience several (or all) the above, which can make caring at home challenging for everyone involved.
Tips to effectively support and manage challenging behaviour
There often isn’t a simple, one-size-fits-all solution to effectively manage challenging behaviour. The impact on the family can mean emotional and mental resources that could change things can be in short supply.
You could consider these activities to try and help:
Once you’ve identified activities or events that sometimes lead to challenging behaviour and dysregulation with your child (perhaps by keeping a diary – see tip below), you can try to avoid or change these as best you can.
It may be hard to find people to help with care, but perhaps they can help with:
- doing the school run
- speaking to school
- shopping
- other practical tasks
You may also want to consider if there are people who can:
- help calm the situation in difficult moments
- support with simple tasks
If you can, plan ahead and get support.
Can you walk away, or can someone else step in?
Additionally, you can calm children down, let off steam together and help them regulate with things like:
- bouncing
- breathing exercises
- food
- jumping
- rhythm
- running
If you’re not sure where to start, try a few and see what works for your family.
We can be drawn into worrying about things that don’t matter at a later date. Or, we feel like we’re nagging over things we expect children to do, like:
- putting clothes in the wash
- tidying a room
- another admin/organisational task
It may be helpful to ask yourself, “is the challenge of them doing it worth the battle?”
You’re not giving in if you’re choosing to:
- avoid conflict and demand
- have a peaceful, caring environment
- set a more positive household tone
Even older children can be distracted in the moment.
If behaviour is challenging, wait until a child is regulated and able to talk about it.
Nature can be calming and relaxing – find a local spot you like to go for a walk.
This can help you remember what’s happening, and identify behaviour linked to external factors like:
- anniversaries
- contact with parents
- other life events
- school
If you know what starts behaviour (or makes it worse), you can try making changes to help.
Your physical and mental health is as important as your child’s – looking after both helps everyone involved. This is, however, often the last thing on the list. To make self-care a top priority, you could:
- build in daily time to rest/recharge
- exercise
- go for a walk
- join a peer support group
- speak to someone like you, our service which matches you to a specially trained kinship carer volunteer
- pursue a hobby
- read
- take five minutes quiet time
- talk to a friend
You know yourself best, so do what helps.
Moving between activities or life phases (for example home to school, or between two different homes) can impact some children and trigger certain behaviours. Plan for and with them – speak together about how to make any difficult transitions easier.
Avoid shame to change behaviour – noticing when your kinship child has made great progress, and recognising that, can work so much better.
First and foremost, talk to your kinship child. How can you help them when they’re upset or distressed? Broach this subject when everyone is calm.
Speaking to other kinship carers, family or friends about what’s happening can also really help lighten the load. Not everyone is able to listen, so choose someone who:
- has the capacity to be supportive
- you can trust
When people know and understand, they can often help.
Use our Someone Like Me service to speak to a specially trained kinship carer volunteer on the phone.
Search for a peer support group in your area to connect with other kinship carers near you.
Get additional help with challenging behaviour
As well as talking to friends, family or someone trusted, you might need general advice, urgent help or to find out what help is available.
If anyone is in immediate risk of harm, phone 999 for urgent help.
As needed, you can also contact:
- healthcare professionals already contacted, like your GP or other specialist medical team
- your local:
- Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS)
- children’s services team (you can use our Kinship Compass tool to find their details)
- council
- police – if something major has happened
- school or college
You may also be able to access the adoption and special guardianship support fund – which can help with funding for therapeutic support for your kinship child if eligible.
There are also additional ways to get help:
- Adoption and fostering podcast by Al Coates MBE, who developed this page with Kinship, as well as some challenging behaviour training workshops
- Beacon family services – who support families to repair relationship breakdown
- CAPA First Response – advice around child-to-parent violence
- Holes in the Wall – blog covering the topic of child-to-parent abuse
Support from Kinship
Here at Kinship, we offer a range of free support for all kinship carers, including workshops, online advice and information, and support groups.
To find services, information and support in your local area, including information about your local children’s services, use our Kinship Compass tool.
You can also contact the Kinship advice team for free, non-judgmental advice and information if you live in England or Wales.
Related advice and information
Tools and techniques to help the child you care for to learn how to self-soothe and regulate their emotions in a healthy way.
This page explores how to recognise the signs and symptoms of trauma, as well as practical tips for supporting children in kinship care.
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