Learn what contact time with family is and how you can make it a positive experience for a child.
Managing contact time with family
How to plan and organise contact time with family to reduce stress and make it a positive experience for the child.
This advice applies to: England and Wales
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Overview
Managing contact can be one of the biggest challenges in raising kinship children.
In Kinship’s Growing up in Kinship Care (2017) report, carers advised they had serious concerns about the harmful effects of maternal (54%) or paternal (56%) contact. Concerns included parents who were unreliable at keeping in touch, frequently let young people down or who had lifestyles that exposed young people to inappropriate or risky situations.
You are not alone if you are having difficulties with contact. The arranged time a child in kinship care spends with their family works best when it is managed well and helps the child to maintain key family relationships and a sense of identity.
Awareness of how trauma and attachment might be affecting your child is important for managing contact. It’s crucial that the child can form an attachment with you as their primary carer. Contact arrangements should not be harmful to this.
Create a positive relationship
Contact time with family works best when everyone involved makes decisions that are in the child’s best interests. However, that isn’t always easy.
One way to build these relationships with parents and other family members is to keep them informed. You can help them feel part of the child’s daily life by letting them know about important events or how they are growing, changing and developing.
Good examples include favourite colours, toys or clothes, as well as the food they like to eat and activities they enjoy. Having this information will help parents stay connected to their child and make it easier for them to share meaningful contact time together.
How to put together a contact agreement
Creating an agreement with the parents about all the elements of contact can help set boundaries and create a shared understanding.
A contact agreement can be written in any way that works for you, the child and the child’s parents or wider family. If you are a special guardian, recommendations for contact will be part of your support plan. If you have a child arrangements order, contact might be part of a court order. If you are creating your own contact agreement, it can be written in any way that works for you, the child and the child’s parents or wider family. It could be a written, signed document or an email.
Always keep the child’s welfare in mind when making decisions and try to involve them in the process as much as possible.
At the beginning, it is often easier to arrange less contact to reduce everyone’s expectations. If contact goes well, you can always increase the frequency.
Plan your contact agreement
Making a contact agreement in writing can help everyone involved understand their responsibilities, boundaries and take into account everyone’s wishes.
Using the guidance below, you can help make the arrangement purposeful, managed, age-appropriate, reviewed and supported
If contact is being arranged by children’s services, you can provide them with this information to make the contact as positive as possible.
Who do they currently see or not see and why? When do the child’s hobbies, activities and clubs take place, so you can plan contact around what’s important to them?
There are various options including video calls, letters, online gaming, texting, as well as in-person meetings.
If contact is taking place face to face, you might need to consider:
- the safety of the space, and whether it should be private or public
- comfort and accessibility
- it may be best if it does not take place at your home – a contact centre may be most appropriate – you can find your nearest local centre at the National Association of Child Contact Centres (NACCC)
- making a plan for if contact feels unsafe – for example, if a parent arrives intoxicated, is threatening or arrives with another person
Will contact take place:
- weekly or monthly?
- how long will the meeting be?
- if there is flexibility for the child’s wishes, how will they be managed?
- when the child gets older or their lifestyle changes, how will this be reviewed?
Travelling to a contact session might play a large part in managing contact, especially if the parents or wider family are a long way from your home. You might need to consider:
- how will everyone travel to the contact venue?
- is there any support for travel costs if children’s services are involved?
- does travel affect how frequently contact can happen?
What boundaries might you need to set with parents and family? What expectations does everyone have around contact? Other things you might want to think about, include:
• special occasions – are there specific arrangements for events like birthdays?
• presents or food – what and how much is appropriate?
As well as your immediate response if there’s a safeguarding issue, consider what to do if:
• inappropriate words are used
• conversations are unsafe or upsetting
• the parent does not turn up
Reviewing contact arrangements
Using a contact diary
As a kinship carer, it is your responsibility to make sure the child is safe. The child’s welfare and safety isare the most important concern. Managing contact time when there is a risk or if the meeting becomes unsafe on the day is very challenging.
Keeping a contact diary can be a good way of helping you review contact arrangements. Use it to record what happens at contact and then review it to spot patterns or points of concern. It is also evidence if you need to approach children’s services or the courts to intervene.
If you need to stop contact, write down the date and any details about why you made that decision. The parent may later ask a court to review and make contact time arrangements if they feel they have been unfairly stopped from seeing their child, or if they want more contact sessions.
Changes to contact as the child develops
A child’s needs will develop over time and so contact arrangements need to be reviewed and adapted. A baby or young child will need safe, predictable routines. An older child or teenager will need encouragement, boundaries and responsibility.
Older children and teenagers are more in control of online methods of communication, but this also means that it might be harder for you to oversee and manage. They might also be contacting parents without you knowing about it.
As a teenager, it might become appropriate and safe for them to have contact unsupervised.
Having frank, open conversations together about any risks involved with either online contact or meeting unsupervised can help you and the child manage this.
What to do if contact isn’t working
Contact arrangements might become difficult for many reasons. It may be the parent is not in a fit state because they have been drinking alcohol, taking drugs or because of their emotional health. If you need to stop contact, it is a good idea to write down the date and any details about why you made that decision. Children sometimes don’t want to go to contact, or their behaviour becomes challenging before or after contact.
Whatever the reason, you should record what’s happening, and reach out for support. And if it’s feasible, due to the child’s age, talk to them about what is happening.
How to seek support with contact
If you’re a special guardian, informal kinship carer or private foster carer, talk with the people the child is having contact with to discuss changing the arrangements to better suit everyone.
If you’re a kinship foster carer, you can speak with your social worker about what is happening and how to better support the children by making changes to the arrangements.
If you have a child arrangements order that specifies contact and you might be in breach of the order if you change contact arrangements, speak with your solicitor.
If you’re a special guardian, you can ask children’s services for support. The government’s Special Guardianship Regulations 2005 set out what support services local authorities can provide for special guardians. This covers assistance for contact, including mediation services for arranging contact between a child and their parent or relative.
Support from Kinship
Here at Kinship, we offer a range of free support for all kinship carers, including workshops, online advice and information, and support groups.
To find services, information and support in your local area, including information about your local children’s services, use our Kinship Compass tool.
You can also contact the Kinship advice team for free, non-judgmental advice and information if you live in England or Wales.
Related advice and information
How to support a child and help them get ready for a positive experience when spending contact time with family.
We know there’s a lot to take in when you’re preparing to become a kinship carer. That’s why we’ve put together information and advice to help you get ready.
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